Six Spells
Weird Writer is back and on a no-hitter type heater with respect to blogging. In the wake of their slew of good posts, they inspired a small but vicious bandwagon on the topic of sex, putting the lewd in ludic. While fun, I was planning on sitting this out because sex does not come up frequently in my games, or when it comes up it is somewhat ancillary to the action. Combat actually also doesn’t even come up as often as you’d expect from the rulesets I like to run. In a recent session I ran, the players visited a museum and wrote in-character haikus. No one fought nor fucked (although one diplomatic marriage was proposed). I’m not really sure what is going on with my games, to be quite honest, I just go with the flow. When it does come up, I don’t think I can proffer any wisdom that wasn’t proffered wiser than Papers and Pencils’ classic Sex in D&D post (nearly a decade old, jeez).
However, in a post last year I provided a d100 list of magic words that I cut from my own WIP ruleset, among which was included perhaps the most magical word of all: fuck. So as an exercise in brainstorming spells, here are 6 spells that use the magic words from that post where each spell includes the word “fuck”. Because of the meaning of that word, it draws this post into the ambit of Weird Writer’s blogwagon.
1. Acceptance of Rejected Fucking
You cause one target that you touch with a friendly gesture to believe (1) that they attempted to hit on you, (2) that you spurned their advance, and (3) that they have made peace with said spurning. If any of these three facts were already true, choose one of the following additional beliefs that you force into their mind for each true fact: (A) they would like (badly) to be your friend, (B) they suspect you and they might be related by blood, (C) they consider you a trusted confidant who is good at keeping secrets, or (D) you have blackmail-type material on them which you have the good manners to not bring up overtly.
2. Unhinged and Squamous Fuckery
When you cast this spell on a living target (which may be yourself), the target is not immediately affected. However, the next time the target engages in sexual intercourse, their skin grows scaly and their jaw becomes capable of unhinging like that of a snake. They are overcome by a desire to unhinge said jaw and swallow their coital partner and must succeed on a willpower saving throw in order to resist this seemingly biological urge. After the act of intercourse concludes (including by reason of swallowing their partner(s)), these effects recede as quickly as they came.
3. Fuck Doctor
You cause the nearest doctor (not necessarily a medical doctor but anyone with a doctoral or equivalent degree) to be consumed with unexplainable lust for you and become aware of your location. They will stop whatever they are doing, be it tending to an injured patient or whatever it is a PhD in history does, and beelines in your direction to seduce you. They aren’t above trading medical care (or whatever it is a PhD in history can trade) in exchange therefor. The spell ends if they consummate the act or if you spurn their advance, whichever happens first. After the spell ends, the doctor has full memory of what happened but not why it happened.
4. Transpicuous Cognitive Fuckery
You cause one sleeping target to dream of the type of sexual encounter that they most desire. Their dream is projected, as if by a greater illusion spell, in the air above their dreaming form. They cannot wake from their sleep unless the dreamt encounter ends or if they are in any way harmed while sleeping. When they wake, the projected dream disappears in a pink cloud.
5. Chime of Fucking Rumors
You cause a musical ringing to fill the air and all who hear it must immediately confess in their native language a rumored romantic pairing of which they suspect or have heard rumors about but of which they have not confirmed. Virginal creatures are immune to this spell and in fact do not hear (nor react) to the chiming sound, like humans around that high pitched sound that frustrates dogs.
6. Angry Fucking Ophidian Fecundity
You summon a ball of snakes that are all intermingled and in the process of copulating. These snakes are hate-fucking and angry. They will bite anyone who comes within five feet of their fuckball. More snakes are being born within the ball every minute, causing the ball to expand in size. It starts as a ball that fills a 5-foot square of space but expands by a further 5 feet every unabated round. If the snakes are attacked, they don’t expand that round. The snakes disappear (or rather return to the Elemental Plane of Snakes) after 2d6 rounds.
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